It has not quite been a year since my Dad's death, and the end of November feels like it's just around the corner. It is Autumn... the leaves are beginning to turn. In a couple weeks it will be Thanksgiving...the same time last year when I jumped on a plane to sit bedside with my Dad...and go through the month and a half leading up to his death.
The grief is still sitting heavy for me. I feel as if I am wading through thick tar. Wanting to move forward, move on with my life, and also losing traction with every step. There is a heavy sense of resistance, towards starting anything new and even to life in general. I don't hide, and yet I don't venture enthusiastically out into the world. I have many fears that creep up and keep me feeling very small...even though I see through them.
My body is grieving in such a deep way that I have become almost paralyzed. There is a pain piercing through my lower spine and it is immobilizing at times. It has been there on and off for about a year and a half, and only in the last couple months has it reached an urgent climax. So, not only does my Spirit feel paralyzed, my body is also ironically mimicking this. I ask the Universe what I need to learn from this pain and the only answer I am getting is that I need to LET GO.
Let go of what? It seems that all has been ripped out from under me over the last year... what more could I possibly let go of except the idea that I have any kind of control over my life and what happens to me. Letting go of the fear is also another challenge. Fear of death, now that I have stared it twice in the face of my parents. Fear that a cancer is raging, right now in my own body and will take me out like it took them. This pain could be cancer. I could be dying right now. I am dying right now....we all are, so what's to fear?
I see through it, and I also don't see anything that is right before me. I want to move on, and I don't. I want to be at peace with my parents' deaths, and I don't. I want them back.
I want them back.
And they are here right now, and all I need to do is tell them I love them. And I miss them.
There is nothing to figure out about what to do next, or what might be ailing my body and Spirit. I can only be moving through the ashes of today. And they are still waist-deep.
I'm learning over and over again that grief takes great patience. It is truly a dance like no other.
Sending love out to all of you in this place,
~Mamaleah
