Two years now, and feeling shaken by the amount of tenderness I woke with this morning. My heart is still breaking, I am still missing the earthly presence of my dear ol' Dad.
I had a flashback this morning to his last conscious morning, two years ago, after a very fitful night together in the hospital...me and my brothers by his side. He was hungry the morning after, and ate the most he'd eaten all week and then he made a simple request for a pear. My brother Ryan hit the hospital halls, asking every nurse if there was a pear to be found. He returned with a small plastic container of pears, which I cracked open and spoon fed to Dad. The look on his face was of disappointment and pure surrender (we all know that packaged pears in that sweet syrup taste nothing like a real, juicy pear). That was it.... he was done. He asked to be laid down in a resting position in his bed and he closed his eyes and never opened them again. Then at 6:30pm, after a long day of labouring breaths, he was off to the Great Beyond.
Yes, I woke with this tender memory, as fresh as it was happening yesterday. It is fascinating how the heart remembers and feels so deeply on these marker dates. I have been feeling so resilient and even joyful these few months ... then boom, the tears are raw and fresh. Ahhhh, grief... you are continually there, ready to burst into the room. It is a good thing I have befriended you!! And, in memory of Dad's last request, I added a pear to my breakfast. <3
My Dad's house has sold now, just days after my 44th birthday. There came a huge sense of relief, mixed with an equal amounts of bittersweet nostalgia. I feel it was the absolute right decision, given the situation myself and my brothers are in, and the massive repairs and time needed to fix Dad's house... the letting go will allow something new to come in, and already there has been much to celebrate. My younger brother Ryan just got married Nov. 5th, and he is now being welcomed into a new family and we are all so happy to see his world opening up. We are each finding ways to expand ... and the horizon is looking rosy once again.
These yearly anniversaries invite me to light my candles, and reflect on the big love that I shared with my very special Dad. Every morning, on my yoga mat, I thank him and Mom for loving eachother enough to birth me out into the world. I am so very grateful to be here, because of them. Their LOVE created me! It warms my heart, everyday, and gives me a motive to keep on going. To share what I have, knowing it also came from them...
Dad... I love you to the Moon and back, and today... to the New Moon in Sagittarius and back! My heart will forever hold you close....remembering being ALIVE together....
Love you,
Leah xoxoxoxoxox
