Today marks the one year anniversary of my dear ol' Dad's exit from his body. I have the candles lit on the little altar I created for him on our piano. There is quite the collection there under his pictures...stones that I laid on his chest while he was in hospital, crystals that he owned and I collected after his death, a little felt heart filled with lavender that Maureen sent, and of course, a small tea tin of his ashes that have been traveling around for the past year... which will return to his grave in the Spring.
This past year has been a whirlwind of emotion and change. It has not been easy for me. I have been learning the landscape of grief, and there have been some walks on slippery slopes, and I have stumbled many times upon this new terrain. Always getting back up...though much more humbled than before I fell. Like a rock in the ocean slowly being made smooth by crashing waves...I have become transformed. And all of this without my dear Dad by my side, as he has always been in the past.... a phone call or a visit away, always supportive and so loving.
The last dream I had of him, I sensed he was noticing the energetic changes that have happened over this past year. His house is up for sale now, and there are strangers coming to view the place and poke around the property. The house has been emptied of anything personal, the memories all tucked away out of sight. His essence has left the building...though it will never fully leave the property that he created there. Pulls on my heartstrings when I look at pictures, and that is the way of it. Bittersweet memories, tucked into the past.... where they belong.
I am accepting of the changes ahead, and I know Dad wants me to move forward and live my life... feeling a deep connection to all that IS. He was so deeply spiritual...I bet he is having a blast in the Great Beyond, and that his spaceship is all he knew it would be. I hold him close to my heart as I remain behind... in my gravity-bound Earthbody. My dear body that has shown me over the past year how it can become so completely knackered by stress... so that I can learn how manage myself better and work more compassionately with my thoughts. A back spasm and adrenal fatigue can be great teachers! Patience... this is my new acquaintance... and I am learning.
Grief has been my dear friend though... and we have danced regularly. I make a point of touching into grief every night before bed, reading books and reflecting on the subject. It feels like a heart opening, right before sleep. It centers me. Because when I try to stuff it all and pretend that it's not happening and fight against the feelings... it all goes sideways. So, I cry... alot. And I have been painting, which has been such a release. My latest painting is a grief painting... blacks, whites, payne grey... it is so very expressive, and a little bit frightening looking! And yet, there is a ritual in it... after I am finished, I want to bury the painting... give it, my grief, back to the earth. Something will grow on top of it, and it will be beautiful.
So, it still feels like work to put one foot in front of the other, and I know I will get there. Two months from now I will be immersed in the one year anniversary of my Mom's death, and I will walk through that event as well. I will never know why everything happened as it did, so fast and so intense... my mind makes up reasons...and the truth is that I don't know why. All I know is that my love for Dad is DEEP...being witness to the depths of my own grief this past year. It is all so powerful. Blows my mind and brings me right into my heart... my capacity to LOVE. Wow.
Dad... I know you can hear me. I love you, so very much. I miss you, and I will see you in dreams. Sending you cosmic, white light hugs today, and every day. xoxoxo
Your daughter,
~Mamaleah
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