Happy birthday... today you would have been 68 years young... and I miss you.
For the first time in the 42 years of my own life, I won't be sending you a card and giving you a phone call. So I am writing this blog/letter instead to let you know how much I love you.
You have been on my mind and in my heart since we buried you on Valentine's day, and I wanted to let you know that I have come to the realization that you were my greatest teacher in this life. YOU. And it wasn't because you were wise beyond your years, or because you were spiritually intelligent and could teach me the ways of the world... no. It was through your disconnection that you taught me. Because of the way you lived your life, it directly affected how I chose to live my own... and I am grateful for it all. I am grateful that you fumbled and fought, that you constantly reached for love outside of yourself and lived in a constant state of co-dependence.
I see that all along you simply wanted to be loved, and love in return. It wasn't complicated all... and I made it so very trivial in my own thinking of who you were. In my own judgements against you. In my struggles to not become like you. I complicated our relationship, and I am asking your forgiveness, and also for my own forgiveness. I could never fully accept you for who you were until you were gone. And now I see it all... I see the gift in it...the shiny jewel of what you left me.
Thank-you. Thank-you for loving me even though I distanced myself from you. Thank-you for all that you gave me and for persistently reaching out to me. We had some pretty sweet moments near the end of your life, and I admire how you were able to surrender, despite your great disappointment about leaving this world. You had a tiny taste of freedom... I felt it. And as I held your familiar hands and rubbed your forehead, smoothing back your white hair...I felt that freedom too. Freedom to love you just as the dear Soul that you were/are, without judgement. Recognizing you as the woman who had given me life... THIS life, with it's winding path of self-discovery through all the pains and traumas.
It must have been difficult for you, your death happening so quickly, and right on the heals of Dad's death. You were suffering alone while all your children were completely focused on Dad, and after his death we were all so wrapped in grief and exhaustion, that holding you in your death felt inconceivable. And we held you, my brothers and I, in our brokenness... we held you. I wake in the dark of night and wish I could have held you better... or done more for you. I know that I need to go gentle with this one because I did the best I could under the circumstances. There was so much to process, and my heart was exploding with grief.
That last morning I had with you will stay with me forever...a tender imprint on my heart. I was so grateful to have a small window of time alone with you, to soothe you and be close. That is the love I am holding for you now... and will hold for the rest of my life. Tender forgiveness and acceptance.
I have my path cut out for me... through this grief, and also in reshaping my life. Because of you, I have chosen to love myself and go from there... not reaching for people/things/substances to try to find that feeling, but finding it within. What a sweet, humble gift...one I would have never found without you.
I love you Mom.
~Your daughter, Leah
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